This week, while glancing at what passes for news these days, I noticed a story about Ashley Tisdale, Disney Channel Princess. It seems Miss Tisdale, 25, has posed for the annual Allure magazine nude issue. Ordinarily, I would have just shaken my head and gotten up to make sure the Disney Channel was still on the blocked list on my satellite television service parental controls. Walt Disney, cryogenically frozen in a tube somewhere beneath Space Mountain, would be rolling over in his icy grave if there were not mechanical apparatus in place to prevent posthumous grave rolling in cryogenic tubes, at what his beloved entertainment company for children has become. What was once "Dumbo" has become decidedly bimbo.
Now, I don't want you to think I begrudge Miss Tisdale her nude photo shoot, my friends. I am not at all offended by the nude female form. For centuries, art and archeology have verified the special place the beauty and majesty of the female of the species occupies in the imagination of man. Countless hours were spent by sculptors in early civilizations immortalizing nude women. A myriad of artists throughout history have attempted to capture the radiant beauty of the fairer sex. Our fascination as a species with the images of beauty women create is a well-documented historical truth. Women, in my humble opinion, are the most stunning works of art ever created. I've seen a great many wondrous and breathtaking things in my lifetime. Each of them pale in comparison to the elegant, luxurious masterpiece that is woman. The Garden of Eden may have been spectacular, but my guess is that for Adam, Eve captured his imagination in a way which was impossible for the rest of creation. The only thing better than a woman is...well, I can't think of a thing. Women, in short, are perfect.
So it wasn't the fact that Miss Tisdale decided to pose that agitated me. Go forth young lady, and conquer. In fact, she is probably only doing what countless young ladies who have found themselves trapped in contracts with Disney or constrained by the expectations of a younger audience have done. Namely, to signal to the Disney execs and her legions of younger fans that she is ready to move on from the semi-sterile wasteland filled with tween angst melodrama that Disney produces, much to the sad chagrin of Mr. Disney and his decapitated, frozen head, and peddle her wares elsewhere. A fine way to do that is to do something which Disney feels destroys your youthful girl next door image like posing nude, or allowing naked pictures of yourself you sent to your boyfriend to be leaked to the press, or making a racy movie, or pole dancing at the Teen Choice awards in lingerie. The possibilities are endless. The trick is to make yourself repellant to Disney while remaining a bankable commodity to other studios that you hope to earn more money from after being released from the Mickey Mouse Club. You have to find a way to shed that squeaky clean image. This is often accomplished by what I like to refer to as the "Julie Andrews Method."
Julie Andrews, one of the most talented actresses and singers in the history of stage and screen, found herself artistically restricted by her own sweet Hollywood image. After her career skyrocketed in movies like the Disney classic "Mary Poppins" and the iconic "The Sound of Music," she'd become bored with the puritanical roles she was regularly offered. Although she had won countless awards for her acting, she was too often typecast as a goody two-shoes. To solve this dilemma, her husband, Director Blake Edwards, cast Andrews in the 1981 comedy "S.O.B," a movie which largely poked fun at her image, and most relevant to our discussion of Miss Tisdale, showed her partially nude for the first time. This allowed her to take on more daring work like the classic "Victor/Victoria," for which she was once again nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actress. Julie Andrews is all woman. Any man will tell you. She doesn't have to tell us. We know.
Andrews starred in the Disney franchise "The Princess Diaries" and the sequel with up and coming young actress Anne Hathaway. But Hathaway was getting into a rut, perilously close to finding herself in the career killing "role model for children" position. So, soon after the "Princess Diaries" sequel closed, Hathaway took drastic steps to put the nail in the coffin of her career as a movie princess and child star by making "Havoc," a terrible movie which no clever actress in her right mind would have made if not trying to convince the world that she was finished as an entertainer of children. The movie, although one of the most awful ever produced and presented to the general public for mass consumption, did afford Hathaway an artistic excuse to appear naked within the guise of advancing the storyline. I'd like to think Julie Andrews advised Hathaway to bare it all for the good of her career, but I can't prove it. Hathaway has gone on to make some commercial successes, and looks to be poised for a long, profitable and rewarding career in Hollywood.
Alas, my dear, patient readers, I digress.
This brings us back to the talented Miss Tisdale, languishing in the image of the eternal teenager, constricted by roles in such fare as "High School Musical" and the subsequent sequels for Disney. Clearly, she is signalling to the powers that be at Disney that she is ready to move on, like Britney Spears, who recently (and annoyingly) announced that her recent album is "her most mature yet," and Miley Cyrus, who gyrated on a stripper pole at the Teen Choice Awards before her. Which is understandable. If you intend to make a career of acting, and achieve international acclaim, you can't be trapped in a miserable franchise like "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody" forever. So I understand what Tisdale is up to, and applaud her on being smart enough to identify a well-established path through the banal wilderness leading to where she hopes to go. Tisdale has a recording contract with Warner Brothers, her own production company, and I'm certain a bright future. She, generally speaking, seems to be smart and savvy for her age.
What irritated me was this: Miss Tisdale was quoted in the article which accompanied her nude photos with the following preposterous statement:
"I'm not just the young girl everybody thinks I am. I'm actually a woman."Just a second there, Ashley. You go too far. I'm all for you getting liberated from your restrictive deal with Disney, and I understand that you are eager to embark on a career which challenges you artistically, but I can't let so silly a statement pass without a rant.
In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson used a phrase that I find brilliant and revealing:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident..."
That's right, dear readers. Some things are so true they are apparent without having to be asserted. In fact, if you feel the need to assert them, they may not be absolute truth. If you assert them too often, the cynic begins to wonder if it is yourself you are trying to convince, as if by merely uttering an assertion it becomes truth.
Did Gandhi have to hold a press conference to tell the world he was "kind of a big deal?" Did Michelangelo give an interview to the Roman Daily News announcing that he was a pretty spectacular painter? Did Albert Einstein ever take out a full page ad in Science Digest declaring "I'm a fairly clever dude?" Did the earth feel the need to announce it was round?
No. They didn't have to do those things, because the truth was self-evident. If you are smart, you don't have to tell people. They'll know just by listening to you. If you are talented, people will know. If you are beautiful, people will see it without your being forced to make an announcement. Rachael Ray has an endless supply of recipes for goulash that can be prepared in less than thirty minutes. If you are a rambling, long-winded, talentless hack of a blogger, you don't have to tell people. The truth, dear readers, is self-evident.
Being a woman is more than merely reaching the age of consent. More than being brave enough to show the world you have a well-developed body. If you are truly a woman, you need not do an interview and announce to the public at large that you are. It will be self-evident. We'll all accept it as fact without your having to make a Declaration of Womanhood.
Miss Tisdale, who may well achieve what she wants by going this route, has made a common blunder that young people often make by confusing age with maturity. I'll be the first to tell you, I wasn't a "man" at 25. I was old enough to make my own decisions, but I didn't become a "man" until I had learned and experienced much more than I had at 25. What's more, I didn't feel as if I were on a deadline. After you become a "man," there aren't many milestones left besides "old man." And what's the hurry to get there?
So take it easy, Miss Tisdale. We all recognize that you are becoming a young woman, and shouldn't be trapped on a high school sound stage forever. But keep in mind you have a ways to go yet before you are a "woman." Asserting that you are one proves that. And when you are, you won't have to notify us. We'll know. As the old Latin phrase goes, res ipsa loquitar, or "the thing speaks for itself."
Then again, I could be wrong.
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