Charlie Sheen: Sex, Cameras, and Money

The big entertainment story the past couple of weeks has been Charlie Sheen relapsing once again into wacko mode. Sheen, mostly famous for being the son of talented actor Martin Sheen, has created a firestorm with his antics, appearing on television, radio, and twitter to give us a glimpse into his tiger blood lifestyle.

Let us look back at the life of this MaSheen and try to determine if there is any larger truth we can distill from his tale of woe.

Charlie got his first break alongside Patrick Swayze in Red Dawn, but he didn't really become a household name until he got the starring role in the Oliver Stone Vietnam War epic Platoon. Stone, who is rumored to travel everywhere with hookers and cocaine, also gave Sheen the starring role in the box office smash Wall Street. I like to think Ollie introduced Charlie to the world of the money for sex transaction, but this is probably an embellishment. Emilio and Lawrence Fishburne were regularly going to whorehouses in the Philippines during the shooting of Apocalypse Now, so chances are that was his first exposure to what is incorrectly labeled "the oldest profession." We all know that landscaping is the oldest profession.

From that point on, from the standpoint of box office success, Charlie began to drop like an antique wedding sausage. He was all but forgotten by the time Heidi Fleiss revealed in court that he had spent $53,000 on 11 hookers connected to her Hollywood escort service in 1995, which was taken down for failure to pay taxes to the government.

After a short marriage to Donna Peele in 1995, Sheen finally hit upon the answer: prostitutes are illegal outside of Las Vegas (where Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof has amassed a net worth or $20 million running his brothel), but adult entertainers (aka porn stars) are not. Sheen evidently tried to get in touch with porn queen Jenna Jameson, who has a net worth of around $20 million for having sex on camera, which is totally legal. Since the number of times Jameson has had sex for money can be established by checking her paychecks, and therefore the amount of money she earned is a matter of record, she has never had any tax trouble with the IRS.

Keen to investigate the whole adult entertainer angle, Sheen then got involved in an tumultuous relationship with adult film star Tanya Rivers. It ended badly, with allegations that Sheen assaulted Rivers, and Attorney Gloria Allred got Rivers a hefty cash settlement. And a commission for herself. Rivers continued to get paid to have sex with strangers for money on camera for some time.

From there, in 2002, Sheen married Denise Richards, mostly famous for having a totally legal three way sex scene on camera with Neve Campbell and Matt Dillon in "Wild Things," and for legally posing nude in Playboy for money, although not having sex with anyone. The couple split in 2006 and Sheen, who has an estimated net worth of $85 million, paid Richards around $17 million dollars, plus 25% of his syndication royalties from his series Two and a Half Men for services rendered.

In 2008, Sheen married real estate investor Brooke Mueller, most famous for having sex with Charlie Sheen. Predictably, the marriage ended in 2010, with Sheen paying Mueller essentially what he paid Richards for a divorce.

Which pretty much brings us to his current situation, living with Bree Olson, (net worth $5 million) adult entertainer, who had earned her legal living by since 2006 by having sex in over 160 adult films, and by posing nude and having sex in magazines like Penthouse, and model Natalie Kenly, who seems to have never been paid in any way for sex until now. I'll go out on a limb and say this arrangement won't last forever, and that when it ends, Charlie will have yet another bill to pay. And that Sheen won't be guilty of a crime, at least where sex is concerned.

How do we know Charlie has paid porn stars for sex? Charlie paid one of his porn partners, Kacey Jordan, $30,000. With a personal check! Has anyone been arrested? No. Because Jordan is a porn star, not a hooker. It's legal to pay porn stars to have sex as long as they pay taxes on the income.

Now, I'm not much of a Charlie Sheen fan, so you may wonder why I am rambling on about his situation. The whole thing makes me wonder about the distinctions we make about exchanging money for sex. Sheen paid hookers, wives, and porn stars for sex. The only transactions that were illegal were the ones he made with the hookers, though all three (hookers, wives, and adult film stars) were essentially paid for the same service: sex. And it is OK that actresses have graphic sex scenes on film with men and women and get paid for it. OK that porn stars get paid for sex. Legal, anyway.

Jenna Jameson...net worth $20 million.
Brothel Operator Dennis Hof...net worth $20 million.
Bree Olson... net worth $5 million.
11 hookers...$53,000.
Kacey Jordan...$30,000 for one night.

Average American Algebra teacher...less than $35,000 a year.

So, the Charlie Sheen story tells us that you can have legal sex with professionals for money if the professionals got their experience in front of a camera. And that if you choose a career of sex on camera, you can make much more than many traditional careers. When your marriage ends, a judge will present you with a bill, payable to your ex, which will feel eerily similar to the money you pay hookers at the end of the line. Only far more expensive because your wife had to put up with you in more places than the bedroom.

But if you go to an inexpensive amateur, you'll end up in a courtroom. And rather than paying the escort a huge sum of money, you'll pay lawyers and the government. And the hooker will go to jail or pay a fine.

Getting paid to have sex on camera: legal. Paying someone who has had sex on camera for sex: legal. Paying your wife when the marriage is over: divorce. Paying someone who has never had sex on camera for sex in private: prostitution.

So my advice to all you amateur prostitutes out there is to take a camera along with you. Then you can tell the judge you aren't a hooker, you are an adult film star.

Then again, I could be wrong.